-Film: Calm at Sunset
-Character: James Pfeiffer
-Summary: James may have been the shining collegiate hope of his parents, but the family tradition of seafaring is impossible for him to shake. He WANTS to wake up at buttcrack o’clock to go fling around and gut dead fish! He WANTS to sink his (non-existent) life savings into a grody old boat of his own! He WANTS to live the unglamorous life of Deadliest Catch! But as usual…PARENTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!
Note from the Twins: Certain moments in PFach’s career are obviously bigger, more iconic, and more well-recognized than others. Therefore we bring you the SUPERPOST…a recap with BIGGER BETTER FASTER MORE! Enjoy!!!
-Film: Can’t Hardly Wait
-Character: Mike Dexter
-SuperPost Status: The first PFach movie many of his fans ever saw, and definitely a favorite. Even if you’re not sure if you’ve seen it, we can pretty much assure you that you have. Continue reading
-Film: The Big Kahuna
-Character: Bob Walker
-Summary: Three salesmen attempt to reel an industry leader into their sub-par hospitality suite and convince him to purchase their product. By talking a lot. Like, monologue after monologue. Many many monotonous monologues.
Brace yourself, I’m about to hold forth on the meaning of life. Or sales tactics.
-Character: Ethan Bixby
-Amount of Screentime: A nice little chunk at the beginning, then he pops up here and there until he suddenly disappears.
-Summary in Fifty Words or Less: We broke the Naked Time-o-meter. AND the WTF?!?-o-meter. ’nuff said. Here’s to the awesomest film intro EVER!!!
-Film: Telling You
-Character: Phil Fazzulo
-Summary: On the surface, the unobservant viewer may just think this is another 90′s movie about aimlessly-drifting youth, some regret, and a sweet ending that reminds us all that no matter where each of us ends up at any pivotal point in our lives, there’s no shame in our game. Telling You is sooooo much more than that, though…it’s a time portal. Like a mirror into the future! You think we’re delusional/pounding back too many fruity drinks?? BEHOLD THE FUTURE, AS TOLD FROM 1998!!!!
-Film: Dancer, Texas – Pop. 81
-Character: Terrell Lee Lusk
-Summary: This movie can be summed up in six words:
American Graffiti set in 1998 Texas. Continue reading
Pale makeup = excellent prep for Dr. Cullen!
Amount of Screen Time: Pretty much summed up in the first YouTube video below. He’s the pasty dude with the cloven hooves. Continue reading
Oh, these two crazy kids!
-Film: An Unfinished Affair
-Character: Rick Connor
-Summary: Well, first off, this was a Lifetime movie, so that should tell you a lot right there. But in a nutshell, Daddy Connor had an affair with a hawt (evil) student WHILE HIS WIFE WAS SICK WITH CANCER, BONUS ASSHOLE POINTS FOR YOU! The Trophy Wife recovers and Daddy Connor tries to break things off with his piece-on-the-side, Sheila (played by Jennie Garth). Too bad Sheila is batshit crazy, and part of her batshit crazy plan to get back at Daddy Connor is to seduce his son Rick (PFach) and then deeeeeeeestroy him! BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!!! Oh the Lifetime Crazy Evilness…it buuuuuurns!
This is LIFETIME FOR WOMEN, BITCHES!
-Character: Jimmy Mulate
-Summary: On the one hand, we have a whodunnit murder mystery with a couple of predictable side-plots. On the other hand we have NAKED TIME WITH PFACH AND THE PICTURES TO PROVE IT! WHOO-HOO, LET’S GO!!!
Goddammit, you told me you erased those pictures!